Forever and Ever

We cannot go through life with the notion that just because our parents failed, then we’re genetically disposed to that very failure. I refuse to believe this about marriage.

I don’t believe in divorce. I’ve said this for as long as I can remember and each time I say it, I truly believe that one cannot stand before a priest and make a promise to God and go back on it some years later just because the going got elephant-skin tough while your skin wrinkled. I also believe that we are inclined to sway in the direction of that which is familiar to us because it’s a safer route. The unknown when coupled with self-doubt is too daunting a task for the average lost soul to want to wander into. So of course we're more likely to surrender our futures to a past that's more familiar.
 

Personally, I have only two examples of happy marriages. Two. I have lived for 30 years and can only yield two relationships that still fuel the spark of belief within me, of a beautiful institute that I want to one day be a part of. There could’ve been none and I’d probably still believe that two insane human beings can decide to build a life together, supporting each other, and still remain individuals. It’s so important to me that I remain my own person outside of the union. I want someone crazy enough to want to sit with me on a stoep when we’re in our 70s and 80s and still have conversations about music; politics; our annoyingly precious grandkids and our ungrateful children before we go and see which sex positions we could attempt without having to call for help to get out of them.

A lot gets in the way of achieving these happily ever afters and I’m not sure that a death threat to my beau will be sufficient to keep him from straying and betraying me. I’m not entirely sure that the same threat can keep ME from straying and betraying him either but I’d like to think that we can try to dumb down the noise enough to always hear our hearts as they beat for each other.

I cannot go through any more of this life not believing that I can have a happily ever after. I deserve it. I hope I’m with the man who believes this too.

"I miss you" - - - *crickets*

Everyone has that one person that they like but feel incredulously uncomfortable around. Right? Just me, then? Ok. I'll be the poster child for all other fumblers that are hiding behind waterfalls and under tree trunks, then. I don't mind. Well, I do...but. Ok. So anyway, I dunno why I always struggle to come up with a confident and truthful "I miss you too" when presented with the opportunity. Did I say "Opportunity"? *sigh*...

Alcohol helps. Alcohol helps a lot; and all the times that I've been around him, I've needed alcohol to give my vocab a boost so that I could at least string a conversation together and be on cue for the jabs of humour that he throws around. I otherwise fumble and trip over my tongue without the -OH (this is how Chemists represent alcohol: -OH...I miss studying Science...oh Gosh...I digress...). So, to avoid what could be an incredibly embarrassing situation (even though I've decided that I don't get embarrassed), I need some alcohol in my system...lest I elevate to drooling cos my words find it hard to roll outta my mouth.

So it's either I really like this guy (and my friends don't like him at all - LOL); or I'm hoping he'll be a passing fad, eventually. I do nothing to keep him interested; in fact, we hardly talk. But when he's around...and we have those moments that make me picture us lying on a grassy hill, head-to-head facing the opposite direction...I lose all clarity and most of my control. It's in those moments that he'll look me in the eyes (if we're together) or change his tone (if we're on the phone) and say: "I really miss you" and I'll respond with "eerrrr...uhm...yeah, we haven't hung out in a while, ne? My fault!" Works so much different when we text though. I guess it's true that texting makes things so much easier cos you have time to think of a response, unlike with verbal conversations where you have nanoseconds top come up with something that'll keep the conversation flowing non-interview-esque. I go from being an older, sexier PowerPuff Girl, clad in tight leather on a mountain-top in the Captain Morgan pose...to a whimpering Ugly Betty, within seconds.

I wish I had enough time on my hands to conjure up a Nobel Peace winning psycho-analysis of why this guy makes me nervous, alas! Being generally shy also makes such a possible analysis all the more futile cos I combat this shyness with lots of words (most of them unnecessary; so as to have command over the conversation) or with silence cos the neurons in my head get all limp.

It would be interesting to see what events would unravel if I were to gather up some proverbial balls and string a sober sentence together. I might even be able to remember our conversations this time. Yeah, let's see what happens the next time I'm around him. Or maybe I should just start by getting comfortable with a truthful: "I Miss You Too."

How are you?

I'm one for conversations. I love chatting...I love talking. I don't like small-talk cos it's awkward. I don't like one-sided conversations either. What I hate the most though, is the "how are you?" that's asked without the slightest interest to know how I am.

More often than not, I find myself having one-sided conversations...cos I'm the curious one, right? I'm the one who'll quiz you and want to know just HOW you are...and you'll give me *gag* one-word answers (aka: conversation murderers) or even worse, brush my reponse to your "how are you" with a swift meandering shot into the whole purpose of you hitting me up in the first place, which is usually preceded by "anyway...".

I guess I can't shy away from the fact that people find me "intriguing". Who is this girl? What's her story? Why does (insert artists' name) speak to/of her? I've read on more occassions than I care to remember that I can't be real...all cos I have conversations with random people who text me on these social networks. So because I'm so "unreal", their "how are you?" usually translates to: "I'm not really interested in how you are or why you have a knee-cap on, I really just want to know how you can get me to link with (insert artists' name)"; or "I'm not really interested in how you are or why you feel so down today, but do you wanna go out on a date with me? I think I'm in love with you". I dunno what definition of social networking others either than myself use, but the whole point is to communicate with people you may find to have common interests with, right?

So when I get non-meaty responses to MY "How are you?", I immediately tune out. It's like when the 5-second rule elapses and you're left with an edible you now have to toss out cos any risks you might think of attempting with it, may just kill you (or kill your soul, in the case of conversations).

Is it not better to just say "Hi Tlale...listen...I just wanted to know if you can give me some light on a) b) and c)..."? I think it is. I prefer THAT to "Hi Tlale, How are? I just wanted to know...".

This can't be too much to ask, surely?