Forever and Ever

We cannot go through life with the notion that just because our parents failed, then we’re genetically disposed to that very failure. I refuse to believe this about marriage.

I don’t believe in divorce. I’ve said this for as long as I can remember and each time I say it, I truly believe that one cannot stand before a priest and make a promise to God and go back on it some years later just because the going got elephant-skin tough while your skin wrinkled. I also believe that we are inclined to sway in the direction of that which is familiar to us because it’s a safer route. The unknown when coupled with self-doubt is too daunting a task for the average lost soul to want to wander into. So of course we're more likely to surrender our futures to a past that's more familiar.
 

Personally, I have only two examples of happy marriages. Two. I have lived for 30 years and can only yield two relationships that still fuel the spark of belief within me, of a beautiful institute that I want to one day be a part of. There could’ve been none and I’d probably still believe that two insane human beings can decide to build a life together, supporting each other, and still remain individuals. It’s so important to me that I remain my own person outside of the union. I want someone crazy enough to want to sit with me on a stoep when we’re in our 70s and 80s and still have conversations about music; politics; our annoyingly precious grandkids and our ungrateful children before we go and see which sex positions we could attempt without having to call for help to get out of them.

A lot gets in the way of achieving these happily ever afters and I’m not sure that a death threat to my beau will be sufficient to keep him from straying and betraying me. I’m not entirely sure that the same threat can keep ME from straying and betraying him either but I’d like to think that we can try to dumb down the noise enough to always hear our hearts as they beat for each other.

I cannot go through any more of this life not believing that I can have a happily ever after. I deserve it. I hope I’m with the man who believes this too.

Let No Man Put Asunder

I have the utmost respect for the Marriage Institute. When you invite God into your heart and into your relationship, you inadvertently open yourself up to the greatest understanding of love. With all my shenanigans, I have not ever come between a marriage. I just don't come between a man, a woman and God. This is a boundary one really shouldn't cross.

This morning I heard of two marriages that may have broken up because of a partner from each marriage who decided that their being married made it okay for them to be with each other. As though God may get the rightful partners of each partner confused because there are 7 billion of us on the planet. Two people were hurt when the truth peeled itself off of the pseudo-comfort, more carefully than I assume the philanderers' clothes did.

Marriage says to me: "This is the man/woman I believe God wants me to be with (for however long God chooses for us to be together on earth); to love and honour them...'' and you move on to the next stage where the bond is sealed with rings that symbolise your union that has no beginning and no end.

A part of me was truly hurt this morning as I sat and wondered about a union that's supposed to be a testament of true love, but got tainted by avarice. I just wondered at what point did this man stop loving his wife; and at what point did the wife stop loving her husband who found her in bed with his married friend after his business trip concluded prematurely?

Surely that love was never there?

Surely they didn't let God in? Because the vows say: "What God has out together, let no man put asunder."

Surely.

Later in the day, I got to hear of the story of how a man and woman so loved each other they had children that further strengthened that love for each other. After years of marriage the husband got attacked outside of their home and suffered head injuries that impaired his motor senses and attention span but not his personality. He remained the loving, positive husband and father that he swore in front of God he'd become. She remained, without feeling any sense of obligation to the vows, a loving; supportive wife and mother. He was her anchor; the love of her life. It has now been a year since he passed away. Through her pain that has not crippled her into submission, I could feel the love they shared.

The only other people that had any influence in that marriage were the children. No family. No friends. No outsiders.

LOVE isn't black and/or white. It's not either hot or cold. It's not an area of  grey that needs understanding. It's a multi-dimensional emotion that takes the bravest and most emotionally mature to understand. If you take the decision to include God in your union and to guide that love, don't look to others to dictate to you what that love can or should do.

The first of the four noble truths states that: "Ïf you are alive, you will suffer". The suffering stems from an oblivion to pain. When you recognise that there is such a thing as pain, you are able to handle it better because you are aware of its presence. Not acknowledging that there may be trials and tribulations in your marriage will lead you to mismanaging the problems and looking elsewhere for solutions.

Be with someone who acknowledges this truth. A realist and an optimist. Someone who believes in love as much as you do. Someone who is emotionally mature and wants to brave the rest of their life with you.

Take all of this with a pinch of salt. I just made the decison to be more open to love. Real love.