Tri-messed-her

Look, I’ve read all sorts of things from women who are being cheated on. When they start saying things like: “he cheats with you cos you’re not good enough to be THE woman”, I feel like slapping some sense into them. How does that make sense to you?  So, you’re staying with his philandering ass because YOU are THE woman? Someone needs to explain this to me as I may be looking at this from too much of a black and white perspective. Yes, it sucks that he’s cheating on you and that you (don’t) know the girl, but don’t pacify yourself with bull shit ideologies. Same ideologies are the ones that have women stay in fucked up relationships for the sake of the trimesters they went through to birth niggaz' kid(s). Can’t be turning yourself into a victim when you could alter your life and be with someone who believes you’re enough woman for them OR you could alter your thought process (seeing as you believe you’re THE woman) and wait for him to get over the side chick (in hopes of there not being another one thereafter) and while you’re at it, you could come to the realization that his cheating ways may be independent of you and what you may or may not lack as the woman he loves enough not to hurt.

I’ve been one to think that men cheat cos they want to. Hell, women do it for the same reasons. It’s not always about you as the main chick/guy (I was gonna use the crass euphemism for penis for the sake of rhyme, but…). I had a boyfriend who after I had an elicit cyber relationship on the side, was so broken that he took to look for an extra-mural activity with one of the students he tutored. I stumbled upon that extra-mural info and when I stepped outside of myself and watched how we both - with the straightest faces - lied to each other for weeks on end, something in me shifted. That moment still gives me the chills. When either name (my cyber-person and his student) came up in conversation (cos the suspicions hung like an old woman’s breasts in the atmosphere), we both dismissed that shit nonchalantly. The battles that followed those two mishaps lead to the final demise of that relationship cos the truth is, neither of us could look past our cheating ways (emotional and intending) and the hurt that came from being cheated on. More than anything, I think it was the shocking revelation of how it was so effortless to lie to each other when there was so much love and so many plans mapped out for us, between us. It doesn’t help much that I allowed myself to be in a threesome with only two people knowing about it, soon after. But I know myself. I self-destruct before I re-group and I guess that’s what happened in the months that followed the breakup.

Looking back, I didn’t think of that other girl as being more nor less woman than me or whatever. She was there as a childish response to my childish philandering ways. I can’t allow myself to think that I would’ve stayed in that relationship had they gotten intimate while I waited in the shadows for him to first come back to his senses and then to me, when he was done clearing his one head of stressful thoughts and the other head of some sperm. I know I could not have handled it and I know why I couldn’t have: I want to be with someone I can and want to be with…without having to fight off anyone. That’s what relationships should be like, ideally. There’s nothing wrong in still believing in the ideal. It’s when illusions cloud judgement that you should worry.

A man will cheat because he wants to. A woman will cheat because she wants to. These things can’t always be avoided but it’s a beautiful thing when you love and are loved by one.