First Borns

My cousin insists that over 80% of the guys that are suitable for us to date, have kids. I can't agree with this, but I understand the frustration in her exaggerations.
Our grandmother was one who fell short of insisting that we give her great-grandkids before she passed away...none of us did. Doesn't help that she thought one of my boyfriends was a gangster cos every time he'd come pick me up, he'd be driving one of four cars (one was his, the other three belonged to his parents and sister. He didn't wanna come in the same car cos he didn't want people to "mark" him RE: hijacks. I didn't explain this to my gran.)

Which brings me to my mom. Now, I've only ever brought two guys home. The first doesn't really count cos well, he lives two seconds from my gran's house and everybody at home knew him; we dated for five years. The second, was a guy I was with long enough for my mom to put a face to because she had had to make several calls to when she couldn't get hold of me [if I was not home, chances were that I was with him]. We had made plans to think about having kids this year, actually. That relationship ended a year ago, unfortunately.

My lifestyle doesn't allow me to even think of entertaining having kids right now. I don't like "hooking up" with guys. I'm a relationship kinda girl. I fall too easily and too hard when I'm with a guy so in order to avert a potential disaster, I spend all my time on the road or on my phone (dodging guys who seem to wanna hookup to pass the time). So you see, babies are not really a part of my short-term plans because of this. However, I DO tend to get broody and have on many occasions mapped out a way I would balance motherhood with my love for the open road and impromptu crazy YOLO (You Only Live Once) moments. The latter happen quite often, and I like that cos I kinda [read: really] hate routines. That I haven't been in a relationship for over a year may also be the reason why I've been yo-yo'ing on this having kids thing. I mean, I have no one to have this talk with...so I have all the current time in the world to free-style the fuck outta this crazy life that I'm living.

About 5 years ago, I dated a guy who had a 6-month old baby. He and the baby-mama fell out before the baby was born cos he felt she was trapping him (pause! Only just realized that I got given "the line" :-(...*sigh*). Long story short, I got annoyed by his whining about the baby-mama and having to run off to see the kid every two seconds (slight exaggeration here) which kinda lead to me mistakenly sending a text about my annoyance, to him. I was upset and frustrated and venting all that in a text that was meant for a friend of mine. I can't remember what I said but knowing me, I couldn't have used euphemisms; unkind words tumble outta my mouth and thumbs when I'm upset. So that's how that relationship ended. I wasn't about to apologize for any of that and neither did I want to patch things up cos my three weeks of step-motherhood became the bane of my existence.

I've since known that I didn't want to be in a relationship with a dad cos essentially, there are four people in that relationship (additional kids obviously add on to the count). For someone who has attachment and sentimental issues, it just doesn't make sense for me to find comfort in having My time with My man, shared with his past and future that have me playing a supporting cast member in his life's story. I've fooled myself into thinking that I could be that girl: The one whose understanding knows no bounds, but I'm not. Not even having fallen for a dad recently has changed my mind. It's a beautiful thing, seeing how he loves his kids...but I want to be with someone who'll be a first-time parent, like me. I want to be with someone who I'll experience THAT first with. It's not to say that guys who've fallen out with their girls become some kind of Kryptonite, no. It's just that that's not what I want for me. It's also a nightmare assuming (from fear) that the baby mama(s) would probably make life a living hell for me as a baby-less woman who is now with the father of her/their kids. I mean, in addition to having had a fall-out with someone you created a child with, you now have to trust some girl who know nothing about motherhood (let alone YOUR child) to co-raise the child with you and his/her dad. That's gotta take some kind of special, non-vindictive person to trust. I don't want to be a part of that equation. There's also the fear that the kid(s) may reject me *sigh*.

I cannot accept the 80% shot in the dark that my cousin fired. Cannot because I happen to know a lot of guys who have no kids (99% of which are having beers in the zone I've sectioned out for them in my friendship circle). I especially know of one who doesn't look set on having kids anytime soon...which makes him someone I should be hanging out with a little more often than I have been. It's not like I'ma catch babies if he sneezes, if anything...it just may be a flu that'll keep us bed-ridden for a while, having a few practice runs for when we DO decide to create a living testament of our love for each other

Tri-messed-her

Look, I’ve read all sorts of things from women who are being cheated on. When they start saying things like: “he cheats with you cos you’re not good enough to be THE woman”, I feel like slapping some sense into them. How does that make sense to you?  So, you’re staying with his philandering ass because YOU are THE woman? Someone needs to explain this to me as I may be looking at this from too much of a black and white perspective. Yes, it sucks that he’s cheating on you and that you (don’t) know the girl, but don’t pacify yourself with bull shit ideologies. Same ideologies are the ones that have women stay in fucked up relationships for the sake of the trimesters they went through to birth niggaz' kid(s). Can’t be turning yourself into a victim when you could alter your life and be with someone who believes you’re enough woman for them OR you could alter your thought process (seeing as you believe you’re THE woman) and wait for him to get over the side chick (in hopes of there not being another one thereafter) and while you’re at it, you could come to the realization that his cheating ways may be independent of you and what you may or may not lack as the woman he loves enough not to hurt.

I’ve been one to think that men cheat cos they want to. Hell, women do it for the same reasons. It’s not always about you as the main chick/guy (I was gonna use the crass euphemism for penis for the sake of rhyme, but…). I had a boyfriend who after I had an elicit cyber relationship on the side, was so broken that he took to look for an extra-mural activity with one of the students he tutored. I stumbled upon that extra-mural info and when I stepped outside of myself and watched how we both - with the straightest faces - lied to each other for weeks on end, something in me shifted. That moment still gives me the chills. When either name (my cyber-person and his student) came up in conversation (cos the suspicions hung like an old woman’s breasts in the atmosphere), we both dismissed that shit nonchalantly. The battles that followed those two mishaps lead to the final demise of that relationship cos the truth is, neither of us could look past our cheating ways (emotional and intending) and the hurt that came from being cheated on. More than anything, I think it was the shocking revelation of how it was so effortless to lie to each other when there was so much love and so many plans mapped out for us, between us. It doesn’t help much that I allowed myself to be in a threesome with only two people knowing about it, soon after. But I know myself. I self-destruct before I re-group and I guess that’s what happened in the months that followed the breakup.

Looking back, I didn’t think of that other girl as being more nor less woman than me or whatever. She was there as a childish response to my childish philandering ways. I can’t allow myself to think that I would’ve stayed in that relationship had they gotten intimate while I waited in the shadows for him to first come back to his senses and then to me, when he was done clearing his one head of stressful thoughts and the other head of some sperm. I know I could not have handled it and I know why I couldn’t have: I want to be with someone I can and want to be with…without having to fight off anyone. That’s what relationships should be like, ideally. There’s nothing wrong in still believing in the ideal. It’s when illusions cloud judgement that you should worry.

A man will cheat because he wants to. A woman will cheat because she wants to. These things can’t always be avoided but it’s a beautiful thing when you love and are loved by one.