Crack is whack!

And you'll recognise this feeeling, you've felt it before. You'll clinch your chest as your stomach turns. Your body will go ice cold, sending shivers down your malleable spine as you lose control. Frozen heart; it will begin to crack. You allowed yourself to get here: Cracking heart, breaking heart.

"I could fill a thousand pages telling you how I felt, and still you would not understand. So now I leave without a sound, except that of my heart shattering as it hits the ground"

Back 'n Forth

The ex will cue the queue of excuses...

Let No Man Put Asunder

I have the utmost respect for the Marriage Institute. When you invite God into your heart and into your relationship, you inadvertently open yourself up to the greatest understanding of love. With all my shenanigans, I have not ever come between a marriage. I just don't come between a man, a woman and God. This is a boundary one really shouldn't cross.

This morning I heard of two marriages that may have broken up because of a partner from each marriage who decided that their being married made it okay for them to be with each other. As though God may get the rightful partners of each partner confused because there are 7 billion of us on the planet. Two people were hurt when the truth peeled itself off of the pseudo-comfort, more carefully than I assume the philanderers' clothes did.

Marriage says to me: "This is the man/woman I believe God wants me to be with (for however long God chooses for us to be together on earth); to love and honour them...'' and you move on to the next stage where the bond is sealed with rings that symbolise your union that has no beginning and no end.

A part of me was truly hurt this morning as I sat and wondered about a union that's supposed to be a testament of true love, but got tainted by avarice. I just wondered at what point did this man stop loving his wife; and at what point did the wife stop loving her husband who found her in bed with his married friend after his business trip concluded prematurely?

Surely that love was never there?

Surely they didn't let God in? Because the vows say: "What God has out together, let no man put asunder."

Surely.

Later in the day, I got to hear of the story of how a man and woman so loved each other they had children that further strengthened that love for each other. After years of marriage the husband got attacked outside of their home and suffered head injuries that impaired his motor senses and attention span but not his personality. He remained the loving, positive husband and father that he swore in front of God he'd become. She remained, without feeling any sense of obligation to the vows, a loving; supportive wife and mother. He was her anchor; the love of her life. It has now been a year since he passed away. Through her pain that has not crippled her into submission, I could feel the love they shared.

The only other people that had any influence in that marriage were the children. No family. No friends. No outsiders.

LOVE isn't black and/or white. It's not either hot or cold. It's not an area of  grey that needs understanding. It's a multi-dimensional emotion that takes the bravest and most emotionally mature to understand. If you take the decision to include God in your union and to guide that love, don't look to others to dictate to you what that love can or should do.

The first of the four noble truths states that: "Ïf you are alive, you will suffer". The suffering stems from an oblivion to pain. When you recognise that there is such a thing as pain, you are able to handle it better because you are aware of its presence. Not acknowledging that there may be trials and tribulations in your marriage will lead you to mismanaging the problems and looking elsewhere for solutions.

Be with someone who acknowledges this truth. A realist and an optimist. Someone who believes in love as much as you do. Someone who is emotionally mature and wants to brave the rest of their life with you.

Take all of this with a pinch of salt. I just made the decison to be more open to love. Real love.

Living Young and Wild and Free

The chorus to the song below goes: "So what we get drunk?; so what we smoke weed?; we're just having fun; we don't care who sees. So what we go out? This is how it's s'pose to be: Living young and wild and free"

My last weekend lived up to this Wiz Khalifa and Snoop Dogg track. I last saw my boys as a crew in 2007. I dunno what it is that kept me away from them for so long, but when we hooked up at one of their hotels out in Walkerville; twas as though we hadn't spent a week apart. For reasons I have no interest in getting into, I have been a little anxious about being around too many people at private parties. Seeing these boys living life as though they had no problems or responsibilities for just 72 hours made me realise just how couped up in my head I had been in the last 6 weeks.

I am young; have a little bit of a wild side that's nowhere ready to be tamed and I'd like to feel free, and comfortable and unguarded when I'm out celebrating my youth and independence.

I'm just happy I got some of "me" back within less than 24 hours.

Don't Do Drugs. They'll proper eff you up!

The Road

I didn't know of the heart that choked.

You went away and it just beat there,

Not knowing whether to follow you or

Risk a step towards you and feel itself crumble.

It's been sung sweet lullabies

While intensely listening out for yours;

Been unapologetically moved by your music

And swayed by bastardized lies.

It is still right here, where it belongs

See?

After detours and sho't left tours.

After journeys of exciting newness.

After what was, became what is:

The road that still lead me to you.

A Million Little Pieces

So the controversy goes a little like this:


James Frey fabricated key elements of his said memoir, on his stint at some rehabilitation centre.


Things such as his description of how he had two root canals without any anesthetic or Novacane for the pain (couldn't help but have Frank Ocean sing that bit in my head as I typed). I admit, when I read Frey's dentist appointment description, I was like: "WHOOOOOAAAAAAT? This poor guy?!" But I kept reading cos re-living James' story of how he had practically fucked up his life and health was riveting. However, it is apparently possible for one to not have anything for the pain. James says the reason he didn't take anything for the grueling procedure was because he was in rehab and it's naturally prohibited for one to be taking drugs of any kind, while in a rehabilitation centre. So, I moved on from that apparent fabrication.


Then there was the matter of his so-called bad-boy status...which wasn't so bad-boy after all. Apparently, he may not have been arrested as many times as his memoir claimed and he also wasn't a menace to society in High School nor Tertiary. In his description, he was an "Alcoholic; Drug Addict and a Criminal". Yet, he managed to graduate from High School and Tertiary in record time. So it's either his rich parents paid off his head masters and faculty deans or, he wasn't that bad a drug addict during those times. He apparently only had a "less than a day" stint in jail for his Ohio encounter and not 90 days as described in the book.


That 90 days then brings me to the end of the book where he summarizes how all the characters in the book either died or fell off boats and their bodies were never recovered. All except one, his room mate "Miles Davis" who is/was a Judge. His best friend, Leonard, is said to have died from AIDS related illnesses and Lilly (his girlfriend, whom he met in rehab) hung herself the day before he was released from his "3 month" stint in jail.


It turns out that Lilly didn't in fact hang herself at the Halfway House that she stayed in after her stint in rehab. She instead slit her wrists. Granted, it doesn't matter what methods she took to end her life when she couldn't wait a few more hours for James. She killed herself. So then it becomes confusing as to how she waited 3 months for someone who was not in jail for 3 months. James says he was roaming around trying to piece his life together in all the time Lilly was waiting for him. *sigh*


Anyway, I could go on and on about all the other things that have been proven to be untrue, but I won't.


The only thing that has not been disputed is how drug and alcohol addiction fucks up people's health and lives. James' rejection of the AA program and its 12 steps and him choosing and managing to go "cold turkey" from his addictions has also gone undisputed. This is someone who had a drug problem and an alcoholism problem. He went cold turkey on his addictions and CHOSE to live without them. Almost 20 years on, he's still clean. Is this not what the book is essentially about?


He is a very creative writer. I marveled at his detailed memory of his drug and alcohol infested encounters and his days in rehab. I knew even then that this was not entirely a nonfiction read , but rather a series of events that were based on a true story.


My interests lay largely in the writing style and the going cold turkey bit. The rest, I really don't give a rat's ass about. This is a great book. The editing failed it in a few pages, but it's a good story.


James is clean. Almost 20 years after he walked/got chauffeured out of the rehab centre and has not relapsed. This has not been disputed. This is what makes the book a great part-fiction story. Cos the truth is that he was indeed a drug and alcohol addict. The truth is that his parents took him to rehab. The truth is that he rejected an old-age program whose followers swear by. The truth is that he has stayed clean.


What he did to fill the rest of his story, was just creative writing. I applaud him for that, and managing to sell 17 million copies of his book in 8 weeks, worldwide.


I applaud him mostly for choosing mind over matter.


Get this book for the message behind it and not for Oprah's and "The Smoking Gun" reports' holier than though take on the story.

Two has no space for one more

The effort that goes into having an adulterous romance/roll in the hay is exhausting. I've always been one to excuse those past behaviors with: "he's not married so he's fair game". Did I ever think about the other girl? No. She did not affect my relationship with her man, so it was cool.

I've been in this Shakespearean tragedy twice. The first time around, it was a decision I made as a result of boredom from being single. Second time around: I wanted attention that I wasn't getting (after pleading for it) from a man I was seeing at the time. I have troubles letting go of something I cherish. It's an attachment issue I'm trying to rehabilitate from.

Anyway, It didn't help that said 1st guy...let's call him Hottie...was a great shag. That's not even what I was after. It was just a bonus! I mean...I meet a hot guy in a foreign land, and it turns out he lives 5 minutes (read: 10 minutes) away from my gran's house?! I got excited. After weeks of having established a "relationship", I found out that he's been in a two year relationship. Hurt? Yes, I was. I didn't love him. Didn't even see myself as his anything even with his daily visits to "check up on me". He was a habit. One I enjoyed thoroughly and it now turned out that I was "the other woman". Did I throw a tantrum and tell him to leave his woman for me? No. I knew even back then that "if he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you". Did I let him go? No. Instead, I did the unthinkable: I formulated feelings for him, so that I could justify why I was still keeping this sex-god around. Alas, that justification didn't last too long either because I eventually got bored with the thoughts of wondering if he's with her and broke things off after a fight that bleached my t-shirt and Hottie's (this is a story for another day).

The other story reads like something out of an "I told you so" book. Girl sees something on Boy's update that reminds her of another Boy she used to love...still loves... who "introduced" her to her favourite rapper. Girl starts to notice that this is not a once-off update...this new Boy is actually someone who has a lot in common with Girl. Problem: Boy has several commitments that Girl cannot compete with. So Girl steps back and allows the "relationship" to be platonic. But then Girl meets Boy for the first time and tries hard to keep from drooling, and well...the platonic galaxy lost gravity and so did the senses and clothes.

I guess I can blame the horns that were in my hormones that day. No? No...that would be a lie. I wanted him for the thrill. For experiencing what could've been. Nothing irks me more than "what ifs". It was all about me. Not him, and most definitely not his person. This is someone whom had I met four years ago, I would've had his babies solely because I was in love with his mind. We could have conversations no one else would understand. We were those annoying people who have inside jokes for everything under the sun. I love it when I don't have to explain things like: "breaking my fast" or my "Ketchup" joke. Not once have I had to explain or break it down for Boy to understand what the fuck I was on about. This sounds more romanticized than it was in my head. Mxm! The difference between Boy and Hottie is that I got too attached to Boy. Great sex and great conversations are my ideal combo and when you have that with someone who is unavailable for anything long-term, you have to let it go. So I did.

Anyway, there's too much effort in being the other woman. Twice have I been her. Not once did I fool myself into thinking that anything concrete would come from our evil doings. Why did I do it then? Simple: I explored those relationships for selfish reasons and let them go for obvious ones.