Of Cuts And Stitches (part 3)

FUN. - SOME NIGHTS ALBUM COVER

I received this album whose cover appears above as a birthday present in June 2012 from one of my closest friends when I was deep in the throes of a depressive state. My everyday thoughts were of not wanting to live anymore and trying not to cry again and trying to fight to keep myself from killing myself. Every. Day. I don't think I have ever fought for my life as hard as I did in the first 6 months of that year. I've never not wanted to live more than I did then. It was so tiring and painful.

I felt alone and I just couldn't bring myself to talking to anyone who didn't understand the pain; hurt; regret; anger; shame and horror that was my PTSD. You know, sometimes you need to sit with people whose demons are just as monstrous and scary as the ones that cohabit with you...to feel like kindred spirits of sorts. Nobody understood that until I was presented with Nate Ruess and subsequently, fun.. I had never up until the moment I finished listening to "Some Nights" from beginning to end, felt more understood.

Three boys came together to save my life with songs that when you choose to just read their lyrics, would have you feeling all kinds of heartache in magnitudes you never thought were possible to feel. This album opened with a song that collided with my thought patterns, as though I had somehow managed to write an album while I was passed out (I didn't sleep - I passed out). "Some nights I say 'fuck it all!'/stare at the calendar/waiting for catastrophes, imagining they'd scare me/into changing whatever it is I am changing into.../and you have every right to be scared." And later in the intro: "There are some nights I wait for someone to save us/But I never look inward, try not to look upward/And some nights I pray a sign is gonna come to me/But usually, I'm just trying to get some sleep". *sigh* I found so much joy in the songs on "Some Nights", more so "Carry On":

“If you’re lost and alone

Or you’re sinking like a stone

Carry on

May your past be the sound

Of your feet upon the ground and

Carry on”

These lyrics are accompanied by the boisterous sounds of an electric guitar and drums with hints of an Irish harmonica and faint trumpets towards the end of the song, as though to further spur you on to get out of bed and just take it one day at a time. This was the most perfect gift. Almost like being gifted with a second chance at your own life.

I thought about this album today because I have been battling with the resurgence of the series of events that led up to my great depression of 2012: Another friend of mine (after having not hung out with him in almost two years), just suddenly brought up the topic last year, in a way of saying “you are one tough cookie” (he actually used these words LOL!)…for having gone through the trenches and come out barely showing scars. I however, have internal scars. Everything came back to me like an avalanche in that moment and I silently suffered from random panic attacks for weeks on end and I depended on him like a crutch (again) as I did when the fresh wounds of 2012 threatened to fester. I know for sure that it was not his intention to make me re-live those months but my mind just went ahead and took me there as though I was a body being dragged by a truck over a tar road like those “Newly Wed” tins.

It took me until today, when I listened to this album again after a very long time, to remember to let my past be the sound of my feet upon the ground and carry on. Maybe I’m giving too much power to the music but without it, I’m not sure that I’d have been here today.

I love this album and I am grateful for it and the person who gifted me with it. It was a gift for her too because she is the only one I allowed myself to unravel around. I sometimes tried to hold much of what was happening in me because I could see it was too much for her to handle. This album saved us. It continues to save me.

#MusicIsTheGemInI

*my thoughts have been all over the place because I haven't blogged in a very long time. I have since edited this post.